This Drifting Poo Was Far Too Symbolic! It's the TV Disappointments of the Past Year.
As we consider the television offerings of the recent year, a selection of shows stand out not for their excellence, but for their spectacular shortcomings. From awkward spin-offs to confusingly bad docuseries, here are the programmes that had us scratching our heads or just reaching for the remote.
The 'Sex and the City' Sequel
How to start with this divisive follow-up? Burdened with dreadful writing, painful character development (we demand better for Miranda!), and a paltry 71 seconds of fan-favourite Samantha, the series struggled to justify its existence. Briefly, as the final series began, it looked like it had finally hit its stride. Then came an episode all about Seema’s natural deodorant. No wonder the showrunner declared this would be the final series. It ended on a bum note; the lingering shot of Miranda’s loo flooded with poo was just way too on-the-nose. Yet, fans undeniably had a hoot dissecting every single “what on earth?” episode. And as Carrie – once again single – danced around her palatial townhouse to Barry White, who couldn't release a little sob?
The Kim Kardashian Drama
‘Can Kim Kardashian act? Of course she can’t.’
But that was practically the least of this drama's issues. The subject of a exceedingly uncommon zero star assessment, it was difficult to know where to begin listing the problems. The hilariously leaden writing? The tedious veneration of wealth and consumption? The almost wilful procession of cliches? Acting so poor they felt almost spiteful? Suffice it to say “each and every one” and never speak of this series again. However, a second season has been commissioned, so we’re probably going to have to.
The Charlie Sheen Documentary
Given the legal troubles, domestic violence allegations and fatherly shortcomings, it’s reasonable to say Charlie Sheen has been a bad boy. Not that you’d truly have gleaned it from this three-part docuseries which smirked its way at Sheen’s various bouts of reckless hedonism while struggling to tell us anything we weren't already aware of. Instead, it felt as if this loose cannon was being pandered to, so any sympathy this show might induce should be reserved for the people who have had to suffer close contact with this charismatic but dismissive narcissist.
The Iris Affair
Naturally we knew it was ridiculous from the outset: a thriller about a supercomputer known as Charlie Big Potatoes that could either solve global crises – or annihilate all of humanity. We stuck with it out of sheer admiration for its stars … but by the end, it felt like even they had given up trying. One barely cared when his character died, and the other ultimately hacking Charlie with an axe … in super slow-motion. That's what you call admitting defeat.
MobLand
Shady characters convening in deserted boxing gyms? A certain band's Firestarter jackhammering away in club scenes? The late 90s called and wants its crime drama back.
In truth, that is unfair on the crime shows of the late 90s. Many look a bit dated now, but at least they didn’t endure the ignominy of having to indulge baffling dialects. But there were plenty of other issues. Primarily that it was just really dull; a dispute over drug-selling territory between various London picaresques which seemed a bit basic.
The Meghan Markle Series
Given the degree to which she grinds the gears of the nation’s ostentatiously angry commentators, it’s almost tempting to admire the Duchess of Sussex’s various forays into twee lifestyle as deliberate statements. But then you view them and are forced to concede that actually, they may have a point. It’s like watching a lifestyle catalogue come to life; a poster for wine o’clock with ideas of grandeur; a parade of snoozing dogs, humming beehives, sentimental sayings and forgettable crafting “tips” you’ll forget instantly. All supported by vast, largely unearned wealth. Ugh.
The Beckham Documentary
There are clearly interesting things to be discussed about regarding Victoria Beckham and her struggles with career, identity, self-acceptance. But for some reason, this three-part series opted not to say them. Instead, the experience was akin to consuming a marketing brochure. She obviously has good reason to resent what she describes as her “miserable cow” image. But sadly, she didn’t do herself any favours with this guarded letdown of a series.
The Inheritance
It had the potential to be the next cultural phenomenon – except even camper, with a glamorous star playing dead and a well-known personality overseeing her estate. What more could you want? As players battled it out, there was plenty of backstabbing and arguing. But the rules quickly became bewildering: it’s even now too complicated to explain what precisely was happening. Even more disappointingly, we only saw brief appearances of the star via filmed videos. The series ended up reeking of a programme that was trying way too hard to emulate something way beyond it.
Too Much
How does one follow a show that defined a generation? The expectation was immense for this glitzy romcom about Jessica, a rosy-eyed New Yorker who arrives in London with a broken heart. The star seized the opportunity by the horns and was a delight to watch, reveling in Jane Austen levels of romantic notions. But it was all very slick and, ironically, was not enough. Plus, the abundance of celebrity cameos involved felt icky.
The Sketch Show Return
Not good enough to be ‘patchy’.
Given the smart inclusion of gifted emerging comics, hopes were high. But sadly, most of it didn’t land. A particular sketch was a one-note joke stretched to a husk but recurring in every episode. One star seemed too willing to slip into a well-known irate mode. The writing room sketches, in contrast, simply provoked the idea that they should probably have remained in there a while longer.
The Knox Dramatisation
This retelling of the story of Amanda Knox was overseen by Amanda Knox and pretty much solely presented the viewpoint of Amanda Knox. So, while there undoubtedly is an compelling drama to be made about the tragic 2007 murder, this was not it. The material needed to be handled sensitively. Instead, the series laboured awkwardly to find the right voice, lumbering from oddly jaunty, slightly mannered farce to inevitably, real-life horror. Complex? Arguably. A total mess? Very much so.
The Maths Genius Thriller
We love the star … but did we buy him playing the greatest maths genius since, a man so smart he’s on the verge of a breakthrough that could destabilise society? No! This international thriller about government agencies spying on – and eliminating – intellectuals honestly got more farcical by the second. Silliness-by-numbers.
1000 Men and Me: The Bonnie Blue Story
This uncritical portrait followed the online personality renowned for explicit exploits as she prepared for her biggest feat yet. What on earth would motivate her? What we wanted was far greater examination of her actual psyche, plus those of the men in the line. They could at least have interviewed the legendary mum who showed up to drag her son out of the queue. What we got was disturbing shots and zero interrogation of her notoriety whatsoever. It's staggering to consider, the documentary-maker has a young daughter too.